When the Pie was about 6 months old I began battling this strange sense of insecurity and fear. I felt like I was not been enough of a wife, too much of a mom, and less of myself than ever before.
I feared that the Mountain Man wasn’t satisfied with our life.
I had no reason to actually think this, but it continually popped into my head that he could have one foot out the door and I wouldn’t know. He could leave and I would be left alone, with a baby I wouldn't have had if I didn't have him.
He could decide that living with a baby was too hard, that he wanted a better wife, more sex, fewer diapers (don’t we all?).
He was confused, hurt, concerned that I felt so…fearful. Why was I suddenly so insecure?
I think it was about my perception of myself, my expectations of myself, and the ongoing adjustment to motherhood.
I felt less interesting, less attractive, less like myself. I’m having to re-define myself, which means re-defining my marriage. I have to change my expectations of myself, and therefore my expectations for our life together. My focus is no longer on my husband, but now primarily on my baby and only secondarily on him. I have less mental and emotional space to focus on our relationship, and I feel the shift in focus.
And that made me feel like there was a change in us, and that he will feel it and decide it’s not what he wants out of a marriage. It was my own irrational hormone-driven thinking. Sure, there’s less time for us and I’m more focused elsewhere. I know he loves me. This was irrational. I’m not used to being irrational. But the biggest issue I think, is that I need him more than ever now, and being so reliant on him makes me vulnerable and a little scared.
I know that he wants nothing more than to spend his life with me and the Pie.
Well, that and maybe another plate of dinner.
I don’t know if it was a new shift in hormones or if I was just tired or overwhelmed or what, but it doesn’t make sense. Thankfully I’ve somehow made another shift, feeling more confident and secure, happier as a mom and more connected with the Mountain Man. My insecure phase was about a month and a half of on-and-off panic, uncertainty, fear and sadness. It was (thankfully) short-lived, and now that I've been past it for a few weeks it seems absurd, insane, ridiculous.
At the time though, it was excruciating, intense and aching. Sleep deprivation, a lack of time and connection, and whatever hormone surge (or drop) may have been happening along with my ongoing quest to accept my new role, my new body, my new schedule of diapers and laundry - all played a part. On top of it, teething, mobility, boredom and and screeching were all creating more work and less opportunity for me to close the distance between myself and the Mountain Man. These things all happened to converge at this one time, leading to my panic that I would be left alone.
And now, somehow, the cloud has lifted. Maybe I'm again making another step in my adjustment to motherhood. Maybe the Pie is sleeping better at night, allowing me to sleep better. I'm enjoying her more, enjoying motherhood more. The Mountain Man and I still don't have enough time with each other, but it feels more solid. It was a blip - an intense blip that felt so long while I was in it - but a blip.
Did anyone else have a plummet in their self-confidence around 6 months? Am I the only one who felt suddenly insecure about the state of my relationship?