I spend a lot of time during the day wishing for 10 more minutes of nap time so I can get something done. Usually that something is work or writing. All the while, my house isn’t cleaning itself. If I just had one whole uninterrupted day, I could do it all!
I spend a lot of time with “OK OK, I’ll stop what I’m working on and come get you”. And of course writing that makes me feel guilty.
Occasionally though, I have a meeting or something and I drop the Pie off with her Oma and I head out. I see the empty car seat behind me and feel an internal emptiness too. All my singing and humming and talking to keep the calm is useless now.
I feel guilty for leaving her while I go do something “unnecessary”.
I feel a loneliness, a hollowness.
I feel self conscious when I’m with people, without a baby on my hip, without the social buffer a child offers. I’m expected to just be a grown-up, focused on the task at hand, but I’m no longer a single being. I’m a mom.
When I’m home alone with the Pie for days on end, I wish for nothing more than time to myself to do all the things that take me away – either physically or mentally. And when I’m away I feel like I’m not doing what’s really important.
Even when I enjoy the freedom, the autonomy, the ease of everything without baby, I miss her presence, her funny noises and funnier faces, feeling her breath on my neck and fingers in my hair.
Even though I want most days to get away, have a break, I can’t function on my own anymore. I have to go back.
Thanks a lot, baby.