4.04.2011

Finally! Away from baby. Can I go back now?

I spend a lot of time during the day wishing for 10 more minutes of nap time so I can get something done. Usually that something is work or writing. All the while, my house isn’t cleaning itself. If I just had one whole uninterrupted day, I could do it all!

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I spend a lot of time with “OK OK, I’ll stop what I’m working on and come get you”. And of course writing that makes me feel guilty.

Occasionally though, I have a meeting or something and I drop the Pie off with her Oma and I head out. I see the empty car seat behind me and feel an internal emptiness too. All my singing and humming and talking to keep the calm is useless now.

I feel guilty for leaving her while I go do something “unnecessary”.

I feel a loneliness, a hollowness.

I feel self conscious when I’m with people, without a baby on my hip, without the social buffer a child offers. I’m expected to just be a grown-up, focused on the task at hand, but I’m no longer a single being. I’m a mom.

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When I’m home alone with the Pie for days on end, I wish for nothing more than time to myself to do all the things that take me away – either physically or mentally. And when I’m away I feel like I’m not doing what’s really important.

Even when I enjoy the freedom, the autonomy, the ease of everything without baby, I miss her presence, her funny noises and funnier faces, feeling her breath on my neck and fingers in my hair.

Even though I want most days to get away, have a break, I can’t function on my own anymore. I have to go back.

Thanks a lot, baby.

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2 comments:

  1. social buffer: check
    I need a minute: check
    I miss you when I'm gone: check check.

    I have an inbox full of work stuff, ...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I realized that a baby is a social buffer in the same way that cigarettes were when I was in college. If I needed a break, I could go have a smoke. Now I go nurse or change a diaper. It gives me something to do when I'm uncomfortable.

    ReplyDelete

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