1.14.2011

Company Girls & Starting Over

Oh company girls, this one's a doozie. I've been starting over my whole life - as a military brat, a job-hopper, and most recently as a wife & mother.

I've often wished for a do-over, but a start-over is so much better. It acknowledges that the experiences were there, valid, and now a part of me. I will turn the page and start over.

I posted yesterday about my inability to understand what "worth it" means when parents talk about their kids. I think I'll understand better when she's a little older, interacting more, communicating more.

I start over every day in my role as a mom. I start over with patience, understanding, and with accepting myself and my new identity.

I am going to start over and not feel like I am trapped by breastfeeding - I can pump and other people can feed if I need to be away/get away. I am going to start over and not mourn the relationship I lost with my husband but celebrate the family we have built and the new relationship we're forming. I am going to keep starting over, every day, to know a little better who I am now as a mother, and who I am as I try to keep a sense of myself alive.

5 comments:

  1. I read an earlier post and read that you are not religious but that you admire the belief of christians. So, I hope as I write that I do not offend you...that said, may I just encourage you that, as a christian you are given a new hope and a way to start over. I also read your post on whether it is worth it...and, quite frankly, my heart hurts for you right now. There is so much hope. But it is not found in babies or relationships or earthly success. It is found in the love of a man who was willing to look at our mistakes and failures and shortcomings and die for us anyway. I am not an eloquent or bold speaker...but I know the One in whom I have found peace and hope and satisfaction. I am praying for you and I hope that perhaps you would be willing to open your heart to the Way, the Truth and the Life because you can find what you are searching for. If you ever want to talk, I would love to talk with you, pray with you or just encourage you through the early mommy days (I can relate as the mom of four). Again, I hope I don't offend, but I would be a hypocrite if I believed with all of my heart something I was unwilling to share. Blessings to you this weekend!

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  2. Awesome comment above and I whole-heartedly agree! There is hope when all hope is lost!

    But I'm with ya on the starting over with patience girl! Most of the time I don't have any more by 9am! Ha! It is awesome to know that I can pray confidently for God to give me more!

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  3. This is the first time I've come to your blog, so I read back a few posts just to get a sense of who you are and where you're at.....I think that the first few months with a new child are very difficult...we all have a preconceived (or not) dream of what our life will be like as a new mom...what our baby will be like and even what kind of dad our spouse will be...hopefully....when it actually all happens, some of it turns out and some of it is a huge disappointment(like..'I can't even find time to take a shower!) BUT as a former foster mom of numerous children, may I share with you how unbelievably important what you are doing right now is to your little one? Not just the mechanics of breast feeding, diapers, and such...but the real importance....the love, the security, the reliance that is building in your child thru you that I didn't see in the faces of little babes that came into our home...that is what you are doing for little Pie and believe me that is so important. Be encouraged on those long days that just your interactive presence in your child's life is the most important thing you could be doing right now....time to conquer the world later! And I agree w/you, I don't do the baby goo-goo ga-ga talk either...

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  4. Thanks for stopping by this weekend and leaving a note. I'm with you on speaking full sentences. As far as breastfeeding, I'm a big proponent, but always putting another person's needs first is hard. Then again, good parenting and good marriages always require that in some form. Inside our wedding bands, my husband and I had the verse "Love seeks not its own" inscribed. If I actually lived that out, our life would be happier.

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  5. Thank you all so much for your love, validation, support. I know that what I am giving of myself will be so important for my Pie as she becomes a compassionate, kind adult. Adjusting to motherhood and giving up my former self in order to be the kind of mother I am striving to be has been much more difficult than I could have imagined, and I alternate between loving being able to be home and see her every change, and wanting to be doing something that I find more immediately fulfilling. Aha! Parenting is not instant gratification!

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