Mama: Forensic Investigator

This morning, my mountain man found something unusual in the kitchen, and asked me to investigate.

He had a suspect, but he didn’t want to color the investigation, so he kept his suspicions to himself.

But here, in the kitchen, was the evidence of wrongdoing:DSC_0267 

That’s right, 3 wiry white hairs clinging to the side of a cast iron pan. The same pan that Mama used the night before to fry up a few crumbles of bacon for dinner. Mmmmmmmm bacon.

*snaps back to reality*

Further investigation into the culprit who left this evidence is needed. First, a closer look at the evidence:DSC_0272 Yup, all the hairs seems to be from one culprit, some evil soul acting alone, terrorizing kitchens after Mama goes to bed. Mama didn’t mean to leave the pan out – she was just going to put the Pie to sleep, but Mama put herself to sleep as well, leaving the pan of bacon fat vulnerable, just asking for a crime to be committed.

And inside the pan, with the cooled and hardened bacon fat, which normally creates a rough white fat layer on the pan was this:DSC_0274Smooth, shiny circular areas. Almost as if someone had polished the fat. With their little tongue. And upon further inspection of this secondary evidence:

DSC_0274Lines grooved into the bacon fat. As if someone had sandpaper on their tongue, dragging it through the supple layer of cooled bacon grease.

Mama checked with the person who reported the wrongdoing. 10 o’clock he went to bed, and nothing was amiss. The cat came in later, and the Mountain Man thought he smelled a whiff of bacon, but it could have been a dream. He dreams about bacon sometimes, he admitted. Mama referred him to a bacon dreamers support group.

The evidence seemed to be pointing in one direction.

So of course, Mama jumped to a conclusion.

Wiry white hair? Midnight prowler? Quiet as a cat burglar? With sandpapery tongue?

But before making public accusations, Mama checked to be sure there was no evidence of breaking and entering. No windows were broken, no doors unlocked. No evidence that anyone came into the house. Either the job was done by an insider, or the culprit made it inside the house, locked the door behind him, and never left. He could still be here.

A shiver.

And then…


And again, more insistent.


The cat, dear Uncle Bugg, was begging for food.

Uncle Bugg – could he be the culprit? The Midnight Bacon Licker?DSC_0276

Yeah, he looks like he has something to hide. But he claims an alibi. This guy:DSC_0277His blurry, ghostly alibi won’t talk. Mama thinks Uncle Bugg is the guilty party in the case of the Midnight Bacon Licker. But the evidence may not stick.

(Linky linky with the company girls!)


  1. hahahahahaha best blog post ever. I'd open up a full investigation. I'll do the genotyping of DNA evidence. No prob.

  2. Leah. I'll bag the evidence and send it to you. Although I'm not sure if it will meet chain of custody requirements, but at least we'll know.

  3. cute cute. kitty deserves it, please do not arrest him. (first time offender??)
    (ps--same thing happened to me, but for "bacon", subsitute the words "hot chocolate")

  4. sadly this guy is not a 1st time offender!


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