11.04.2010

Some Days

Some days are snuggle days, when all I want is to hang out with Pie, go for a walk, experience her just as she is now. On these days I feel like I am wasting time all those other days that I’m doing chores & errands, thinking about my to-do list and wondering if people are upset with me because I haven’t sent a thank-you note yet. I want to spend my day playing three-month-old games like making raspberries, blowing in her face, playing with a rattle and exploring each little toe. Some days I want to memorize every expression and sound she makes. Some days are just snuggle days, but this day is not one of them.

I woke up not anywhere near ready to wake up. Pie has been eating 4 and 5 times a night most of the past two weeks, which is returning me to the same cranky, emotional state I was in with a 2 and 3week old. She was fussing and I just couldn’t respond. I rolled over and willed with all my might for her to fall back asleep. Logan woke up and played with her for a while, until she made it very clear that bed time was over, and he got up with her. I slept for nearly an hour, uninterrupted and without anyone touching me, for the first time in over 3 months.

I finally got up, and Logan had made coffee, started unloading the dishwasher, and started gathering ingredients to make pancakes. I took the Pie to feed her again while Logan made breakfast. We ate and I marveled at how I never liked “cakes” until I had his. After breakfast I asked Logan to hold Pie again, because my wrists hurt. He took her, but then said “Now I can’t get anything done”.

I lost it. I welcomed him to my life, told him to put her in a carrier, informed him that he “never” helped me, that I used to have a life of my own and that I now spend all day every day either taking care of her, him or the house, but never myself – while I cleaned up the kitchen started baking some bread and ran a load of laundry. We argued a little, then apologized to each other and agreed to start over. I took the Pie to feed her again, and he went out to enjoy some sunshine and pick up the license plates for his new motorcycle.
Sometimes it feels like I wasn’t ready for the choice we made to have a baby. Every once in a while I just need time to myself, and occasionally I need to mourn the life I gave up. Sometimes I wish we bottle-fed, had Pie in daycare, or had let her “cry it out”. It’s selfish, irrational and unfair to my family, but sometimes I need to walk away and feel sorry for myself.

I have to remind myself that I feel this way not because it’s true, but because I’m not taking the time I need to re-charge. I remind myself that I am lucky to be able to stay home, and that’s because Logan has a good job and we’ve planned for it. This is the life I chose. I don’t want someone else caring for the Pie, I don’t want her to be formula-fed or to learn that her only method of communication is “bad”. Most days I am thankful to have my life. Some days I need a reminder to appreciate what I have.

1 comment:

  1. I will admit that I said a few times if we are making a mistake or that maybe I'm not ready for a baby and this life out here in the country away from the city in which I always loved. I was a person who loved to do things spontaneously and now that cannot happen. I have to plan everything plus budgeting to make sure we have enough money ti do "that" and it's going to be even worse with the baby born. But in the end, I don't regret any of it and am thankful to have the man I have because I could have a lot worse...or so I've heard. Give yourself an hour to go take a bubble bath when Logan is home or just take a walk by yourself in the sunshine. You will feel much better.

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