Some days are snuggle days, when all I want is to hang out with Pie, go for a walk, experience her just as she is now. On these days I feel like I am wasting time all those other days that I’m doing chores & errands, thinking about my to-do list and wondering if people are upset with me because I haven’t sent a thank-you note yet. I want to spend my day playing three-month-old games like making raspberries, blowing in her face, playing with a rattle and exploring each little toe. Some days I want to memorize every expression and sound she makes. Some days are just snuggle days, but this day is not one of them.
I woke up not anywhere near ready to wake up. Pie has been eating 4 and 5 times a night most of the past two weeks, which is returning me to the same cranky, emotional state I was in with a 2 and 3week old. She was fussing and I just couldn’t respond. I rolled over and willed with all my might for her to fall back asleep. Logan woke up and played with her for a while, until she made it very clear that bed time was over, and he got up with her. I slept for nearly an hour, uninterrupted and without anyone touching me, for the first time in over 3 months.
I finally got up, and Logan had made coffee, started unloading the dishwasher, and started gathering ingredients to make pancakes. I took the Pie to feed her again while Logan made breakfast. We ate and I marveled at how I never liked “cakes” until I had his. After breakfast I asked Logan to hold Pie again, because my wrists hurt. He took her, but then said “Now I can’t get anything done”.
I lost it. I welcomed him to my life, told him to put her in a carrier, informed him that he “never” helped me, that I used to have a life of my own and that I now spend all day every day either taking care of her, him or the house, but never myself – while I cleaned up the kitchen started baking some bread and ran a load of laundry. We argued a little, then apologized to each other and agreed to start over. I took the Pie to feed her again, and he went out to enjoy some sunshine and pick up the license plates for his new motorcycle.
Sometimes it feels like I wasn’t ready for the choice we made to have a baby. Every once in a while I just need time to myself, and occasionally I need to mourn the life I gave up. Sometimes I wish we bottle-fed, had Pie in daycare, or had let her “cry it out”. It’s selfish, irrational and unfair to my family, but sometimes I need to walk away and feel sorry for myself.
I have to remind myself that I feel this way not because it’s true, but because I’m not taking the time I need to re-charge. I remind myself that I am lucky to be able to stay home, and that’s because Logan has a good job and we’ve planned for it. This is the life I chose. I don’t want someone else caring for the Pie, I don’t want her to be formula-fed or to learn that her only method of communication is “bad”. Most days I am thankful to have my life. Some days I need a reminder to appreciate what I have.